Fragrant Heart Blog

People who share their life experiences often offer others new ways of looking at the world from a different perspective.  They may also ignite inspiration and a desire to change.  All great teachers have done this for humanity over the ages. 

Recently I borrowed a book from the local library called, “Moving Forward” by Dave Pelzer.  I had never heard of Dave Pelzer before but after reading the book I learnt that he had written a best seller by the title, ‘A Child Called “It”’.  I discovered a person who had survived extreme childhood abuse, and has gone on to help and educate others in living meaningful and loving lives. 

Here is a paragraph from his book that encourages self awareness. 

“Try this: From this moment on, I want you to be conscious of your walk, your body language, the tone of your voice, what you say for the world to hear, and, most importantly, what you say that only you and God know.  Be self-aware, and while doing so keep with you an ounce of faith.  Be consistent and give it a little time, and then watch your world unfold.”

As I read these words I was reminded of bringing mindfulness into every day life.  Living as Dave Pelzer encourages can be done through a daily meditation practice.  Thank you Dave Pelzer, for your inspiring words.

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Have you ever had a bunch of thoughts woven into a problem or worry that never seems to go away?  In fact you just don’t get a moment’s peace and quiet from the relentlessness of your obsessive thoughts.  They cloud everything you do.  They even affect you physically so that you may lose your appetite, or overeat, become sleepless, confused, even irritable and reactive.

You may find that in your meditation practice you become so agitated that you end up even more distressed than when you started.

First of all accept what is happening.  Condemning and berating yourself about the situation won’t help.  It just makes things worse.

Here’s a suggestion that may benefit you when you find you are just too distracted to sit and meditate.

Grab some paper and a pen and write non-stop for five to ten minutes.  Write continuously about your obsessing thoughts.  Write out all your worries, angers, perceived predicaments, anxieties, perceived losses, and frustrations.  When you can’t think of something to write, write that down as well.  You will usually find that another set of thoughts will be triggered so get those down on paper too.  Every thought that pops into your mind write it down.  Put all your focus and concentration into writing everything that is keeping you in this state of obsessing.  At the end of five to ten minutes (set a timer for yourself), stop and go about your day.  When the old worry or problem arises tell it you have already given it enough attention for the moment, take a deep breath, and change the thoughts to something positive.  You could also put aside two periods of time each day to do this.  Eventually you will be able to empty out the problematic thoughts and resume your meditation practice with greater equanimity.

What does loss feel like for you?  Here are some reflections that I have gathered over the years.

“Loss to me feels like a part of me is missing.  Loss feels like I have no one to turn to who will understand and comfort me.  Loss is like a deep hole inside me where I cry to be able to reach out to be held and soothed.  It feels like the only one who would take me in their arms and resonate with the longing and loving in me has gone forever.  Loss feels like I am cast adrift in the ocean with no one by my side to reassure me and tell me that it’s going to be all right.  Loss feels like I am so alone with nobody to turn to for warmth and comfort, no one to join with me in laughter and play, or in sadness and sorrow.  Loss feels like I’m a child again who needs the love she could never get from her parents. Loss feels like each day is dulled, and the ache that something pure and true has bee taken away from me.  Loss feels like a separation and cutting off of familiarity, knowing and being known by someone else.  Loss feels like I’m all alone in the world again, and I’m afraid that I will not survive by myself.”

Loss is felt as something real.  It creates physiological changes within the body.  These changes distress the body and can lead to illness and disease.  Separation and loss can manifest as despair and depression. 

Loss is a common human condition.  It is one we have all experienced in some way.  Grieving for a loss is a natural part of the process of healing.  It takes time.

If you have experienced loss in your life I encourage you to reach out for help.  It may be a friend who can support you, a counsellor, or someone else you trust.

Acknowledge that it is okay to feel sad, lonely, empty, angry or whatever emotion comes up for you.  Nurture yourself as much as you can. 

Use the Fragrant Heart website for the free relaxation and breathing exercises that will help you when you are feeling overwhelmed, or just plain miserable.  I would also urge you to meditate.  Over time this will create a solid foundation for you that will give you ongoing inner peace stillness and physical and emotional well-being.

These are just some brief suggestions.  I hope they will help you.

I have been reading about attachment in young infants.  All evidence shows that babies whose mothers pay attention to their cues grow into secure children and adults.  These mothers know when to pick up their little ones, when to feed them, when to give them space, and when to attend to their other needs.  The mothers do this through a now recognized physiological process whereby a part of the brain, known as the limbic brain, is attuned to emotional cues between mother and infant.  These mothers are consistently attentive, tender, and responsive to their babies. 

Mothers who are cold and distant with their offspring rear children who shun togetherness, who are mean to others, and who are difficult to reach.  Children, whose mothers are erratic, anxious, and distracted, become timid, lacking in confidence and desperate for attention from others. 

These varying forms of emotional nurturing, or lack there of leads to adults who will forge secure, or insecure attachments in their relationships.

What struck me about the secure children is that their mothers are consistently attentive, tender, and responsive to their needs. 

As I read this study I began to see how if we adopt the approach of the secure mother our meditation practice would deepen and create for us the foundation that enables us to be secure, and to be present and mindful in each and every moment.  Just like the secure mothers a meditation practice teaches us to be attentive.  It teaches us to be responsive, and it enables us to be tender toward ourselves to whatever arises. 

The book from which this study is further explained is called, “A General Theory of Love”.  It’s written by Thomas Lewis, M.D., Fari Amini, M.D., and Richard Lannon, M.D.  I thoroughly recommend the book.