Fragrant Heart Blog

I receive a lot of emails from dedicated meditators all over the world who come across our Fragrant Heart website.  I notice that each one of them as they write feels really good about what they are doing in their meditation practice.  Some are beginners and find the site helpful.  Each person shares an enthusiasm for meditation, and how it is changing their life in positive ways.

If you are reading this blog and wondering about getting started in a meditation practice here are some suggestions.

Write down all the ways you believe that meditation would be of benefit to you.  Now be really honest with yourself and ask yourself what stops you from meditating.  Then ask yourself if you get a response to meditate despite all the reasons not to.  If you do, then focus on the benefits you have written down.  Begin a meditation practice and each day read over your list of benefits.  These become your ongoing positive thoughts that make sense, and make you feel good about yourself, and your practice. 

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How seriously do you take your thoughts?  I notice that when I am meditating thoughts are passing on through some of the time.  Well, yes some thoughts can tend to hang about for a while.  Sometimes thought after thought arises and I am observing them but not giving them any extra energy like consciously connecting another thought to the previous one.  In meditation I see how clearly the job of the mind is to just keep on creating thought, after thought, after thought.  It’s no wonder that by the end of the day most of us have had about 60,000 thoughts pass through our minds.  And do you know that the repetition of those thoughts day after day are creating your future?  It can be scary to realize that if a lot of those thoughts are focused on negative aspects of ourselves then we begin to create the very experiences to reinforce what we think.  Have you ever had a relationship with someone that broke up and you then went on to the next relationship only to find the same patterns playing out yet again?  Why did that happen?  Your thoughts about yourself created the same dynamics that played out albeit with a new player. 

Meditation helps me to lighten up, and not take my thoughts so seriously.

People who share their life experiences often offer others new ways of looking at the world from a different perspective.  They may also ignite inspiration and a desire to change.  All great teachers have done this for humanity over the ages. 

Recently I borrowed a book from the local library called, “Moving Forward” by Dave Pelzer.  I had never heard of Dave Pelzer before but after reading the book I learnt that he had written a best seller by the title, ‘A Child Called “It”’.  I discovered a person who had survived extreme childhood abuse, and has gone on to help and educate others in living meaningful and loving lives. 

Here is a paragraph from his book that encourages self awareness. 

“Try this: From this moment on, I want you to be conscious of your walk, your body language, the tone of your voice, what you say for the world to hear, and, most importantly, what you say that only you and God know.  Be self-aware, and while doing so keep with you an ounce of faith.  Be consistent and give it a little time, and then watch your world unfold.”

As I read these words I was reminded of bringing mindfulness into every day life.  Living as Dave Pelzer encourages can be done through a daily meditation practice.  Thank you Dave Pelzer, for your inspiring words.

Have you ever had a bunch of thoughts woven into a problem or worry that never seems to go away?  In fact you just don’t get a moment’s peace and quiet from the relentlessness of your obsessive thoughts.  They cloud everything you do.  They even affect you physically so that you may lose your appetite, or overeat, become sleepless, confused, even irritable and reactive.

You may find that in your meditation practice you become so agitated that you end up even more distressed than when you started.

First of all accept what is happening.  Condemning and berating yourself about the situation won’t help.  It just makes things worse.

Here’s a suggestion that may benefit you when you find you are just too distracted to sit and meditate.

Grab some paper and a pen and write non-stop for five to ten minutes.  Write continuously about your obsessing thoughts.  Write out all your worries, angers, perceived predicaments, anxieties, perceived losses, and frustrations.  When you can’t think of something to write, write that down as well.  You will usually find that another set of thoughts will be triggered so get those down on paper too.  Every thought that pops into your mind write it down.  Put all your focus and concentration into writing everything that is keeping you in this state of obsessing.  At the end of five to ten minutes (set a timer for yourself), stop and go about your day.  When the old worry or problem arises tell it you have already given it enough attention for the moment, take a deep breath, and change the thoughts to something positive.  You could also put aside two periods of time each day to do this.  Eventually you will be able to empty out the problematic thoughts and resume your meditation practice with greater equanimity.

What does loss feel like for you?  Here are some reflections that I have gathered over the years.

“Loss to me feels like a part of me is missing.  Loss feels like I have no one to turn to who will understand and comfort me.  Loss is like a deep hole inside me where I cry to be able to reach out to be held and soothed.  It feels like the only one who would take me in their arms and resonate with the longing and loving in me has gone forever.  Loss feels like I am cast adrift in the ocean with no one by my side to reassure me and tell me that it’s going to be all right.  Loss feels like I am so alone with nobody to turn to for warmth and comfort, no one to join with me in laughter and play, or in sadness and sorrow.  Loss feels like I’m a child again who needs the love she could never get from her parents. Loss feels like each day is dulled, and the ache that something pure and true has bee taken away from me.  Loss feels like a separation and cutting off of familiarity, knowing and being known by someone else.  Loss feels like I’m all alone in the world again, and I’m afraid that I will not survive by myself.”

Loss is felt as something real.  It creates physiological changes within the body.  These changes distress the body and can lead to illness and disease.  Separation and loss can manifest as despair and depression. 

Loss is a common human condition.  It is one we have all experienced in some way.  Grieving for a loss is a natural part of the process of healing.  It takes time.

If you have experienced loss in your life I encourage you to reach out for help.  It may be a friend who can support you, a counsellor, or someone else you trust.

Acknowledge that it is okay to feel sad, lonely, empty, angry or whatever emotion comes up for you.  Nurture yourself as much as you can. 

Use the Fragrant Heart website for the free relaxation and breathing exercises that will help you when you are feeling overwhelmed, or just plain miserable.  I would also urge you to meditate.  Over time this will create a solid foundation for you that will give you ongoing inner peace stillness and physical and emotional well-being.

These are just some brief suggestions.  I hope they will help you.

I have been reading about attachment in young infants.  All evidence shows that babies whose mothers pay attention to their cues grow into secure children and adults.  These mothers know when to pick up their little ones, when to feed them, when to give them space, and when to attend to their other needs.  The mothers do this through a now recognized physiological process whereby a part of the brain, known as the limbic brain, is attuned to emotional cues between mother and infant.  These mothers are consistently attentive, tender, and responsive to their babies. 

Mothers who are cold and distant with their offspring rear children who shun togetherness, who are mean to others, and who are difficult to reach.  Children, whose mothers are erratic, anxious, and distracted, become timid, lacking in confidence and desperate for attention from others. 

These varying forms of emotional nurturing, or lack there of leads to adults who will forge secure, or insecure attachments in their relationships.

What struck me about the secure children is that their mothers are consistently attentive, tender, and responsive to their needs. 

As I read this study I began to see how if we adopt the approach of the secure mother our meditation practice would deepen and create for us the foundation that enables us to be secure, and to be present and mindful in each and every moment.  Just like the secure mothers a meditation practice teaches us to be attentive.  It teaches us to be responsive, and it enables us to be tender toward ourselves to whatever arises. 

The book from which this study is further explained is called, “A General Theory of Love”.  It’s written by Thomas Lewis, M.D., Fari Amini, M.D., and Richard Lannon, M.D.  I thoroughly recommend the book.

When you experience inner peace through your meditation practice it will show in you as you move through your day.  You will not be so agitated or irritable by what others do, or don’t do.  You will smile and laugh quite spontaneously for no other reason that just the sheer joy of being alive.  When people around you are angry and disturbed you will have a soothing effect on them.  With inner peace comes an open and loving heart.  Others will be inspired by your presence.  You will pass strangers in the street and they too will receive the emanation of inner peace from you.  Inner peace gives you focus and concentration so that your mind is still and yet decisive.  You won’t feel pressured to multi-task, as you will be effective in each moment with what you are doing.  There will be a glow and radiance about you that makes you beautiful to behold.

Last week I blogged about bringing more awareness into doing the “menial” tasks in daily living.  This week I want to discuss with you recycling your garbage, and how you can make that a moving meditation, and a loving kindness practice.

Not so long ago I saw a documentary about New Zealand’s recycled plastic and glass, and where goes.  I was naïve enough to believe it was all processed locally.  I find that it is shipped overseas to countries like China.  There, in huge compounds women sit all day sorting out different grades of plastic.  The stench from the unwashed containers is horrific.

I usually wash out plastic and glass containers before I put them in the recycled bin.  Perhaps you do too.  Now I’m putting greater focus and concentration into this task.  I realize it’s like the loving kindness meditation.  As I wash each container I send loving kindness to the people who will sort it, and by washing and cleaning the containers carefully I know it will reinforce the loving kindness I am sending.

It may take a little extra time to do this but why not give it a go and feel what that’s like for you.

How much thought do you give to what you consider to be the more unimportant things in life?  Or perhaps what is not so important to you?  For a lot of people it would be housework.  I know someone who describes getting it done as quickly as possible so as to get onto more interesting things. 

There’s an old saying, “before enlightenment chopping wood and carrying water, after enlightenment chopping wood and carrying water.”  In other words the so-called mundane things of life go on even if you get the wake up call.  It’s just how we experience them that makes all the difference.

If you have some resistance to housework you could consider turning it into a moving meditation practice.  I know it’s not so easy when you’re under pressure with other commitments like getting the children off to school, and getting to work yourself. 

Taking the opportunity to go on a silent meditation retreat as a support person helped me to understand that each activity I did whether it was cooking the food, or cleaning the bathrooms became an extension of my sitting practice.  The same focus and concentration were there in the menial tasks; the same metta (loving kindness) was there in the caring for the well being of other students.

What would it mean for you if you were to bring more awareness into the “menial” tasks in your life?  Why not experiment with just one task and bring as much awareness into that as you can?

Now and again you may consider walking as meditation and mindful practice.  Go to some place in nature if that is possible for you.  Find an area where you won’t be disturbed and can walk about twenty paces to and fro.  Begin by being very aware of how you place each foot on the ground, where you notice the weight of your body through your feet, step after step.  I find keeping my eyes lowered is less distracting. I also find that my hands and arms feel comfortable placed behind my back.  My gait is usually slow.  You can speed up a bit if you start to feel too lethargic, but just be aware of whatever feelings are arising in your body as you walk back and forth.  What may be lethargy could simply be resistance and mental thoughts arising like, “this is pointless,” or “I’ve got better things to do with my time,” or something else.  The mind will always have an endless number of reasons as to why a walking meditation is unnecessary.  Anyway, see how you go, and accept and allow resistance in your body when it arises as well as resistance in your mind.  Continue the walking meditation for about forty minutes. During this time be mindful of what is happening in your body, how your body is moving with each step, how each walking step creates a rhythmical flow in your body.  Remain mindful of how you place each foot down, and how your feet touch the ground.  As this unfolds you may notice the stillness that spontaneously arises in you, and the centering that happens in that stillness to bring you into here and now.