Fragrant Heart Blog

I watched a video showing how amazing women are, and what they do.   At the end of the video the one flaw that women have was revealed.  Do you know what that is?  The one flaw according to the writer of the video is that women don’t consider themselves worthy.  If you are a woman reading this blog, would you agree with that? 

Certainly for me it’s been a major issue.  I believed most of my life that I was never worthy enough, or good enough.  We women carry this erroneous belief in our collective consciousness.  We carry it in the form of shame that is passed on from one generation to the next.  It’s been there for a long, long time. 

We can only bring about change by changing the fundamental beliefs we hold about ourselves.  It can seem like a daunting task.  These core beliefs are so programmed into the unconscious mind that we act them out often, without even being aware of what we are doing.

If you have been meditating for some time you will be more mindful of your thoughts and behaviour.   For example, when you put yourself down, you may catch yourself doing that.  You become conscious that what you are doing is in no way benefiting you, or others around you.  You will know that your harsh judgment of yourself is unhealthy because your body won’t feel good.  It’s telling you that you are out of alignment with your intrinsic truth, beauty, and goodness.  Also, having some good friends, or a partner who challenge you when you are unkind to yourself will help to remind you when you become unconscious in your thoughts!  We are usually much harder on ourselves than we are on others.  

You are worthy.  A meditation practice will enable you to observe those myriad thought forms that pass through your mind.  You know how irrelevant most of them are.  The harsh thoughts you hold are irrelevant because they keep you locked in a mindset that impedes the flow of life.   And if you feel worthless you will limit yourself to experience that flow of life.  Meditation is another tool to help you release and let go of those limiting beliefs, the most destructive being the belief of worthlessness.

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I’m here writing this blog and you’re out there somewhere on the planet reading it.  And as I write I reflect on a concept that came out of last week’s blog called, Footprints in the Sand.  I realized that day on that walk that those imprints would never be repeated in the same way again.  Just as in this moment of writing, or you reading this will never again happen in quite the same way. 

Everything is rising and falling and passing away.  “All is annica, annica, annica”, as the Buddha taught.  Each moment is totally unique.  Some moments may be repeated again and again, but not one will be quite the same as the other.  And how many unique moments slip by because we are not fully engaged in the present?  Our minds are so often grappling with the future, or besieged by the past.  Have you noticed how much richer and fulfilled you feel when you are fully present in anything you do?  With this understanding comes a greater appreciation of the gift of life.  Out of this gift there is gratitude to hone our senses so that not only do we live mindfully, but also in greater accordance with our true nature, that of truth, beauty and goodness.

Today the sand on the beach was a sea of footprints.  There were the deep dug trenches of runners’ trainers, the slight imprint of a child’s foot, and the sharp points in the sand of dogs’ trotting feet.  Now and again I noticed that youngsters had made marvellous drawings, and written their names clearly in the solid sand.  Before too many hours the tide will come back in and wash away all these imprints.  For probably a short time the sand will be smooth, unfurrowed, and without creases.  And then the next day’s foot traffic will begin all over again.  These patterns left on the beach will never repeat themselves in quite the same way as they were today.  Each footprint was arranged in its own unique way, and in its placement on the beach.  All these footprints represented others who were thinking as they walked.  What were their thoughts?  I’ll never know.  Maybe some were anxious and worried thoughts.  Maybe some were happy and uplifting thoughts.  And it’s interesting to wonder at these footprints representing thousands and thousands of thoughts.  And where did all those thoughts go? 

So I’m thinking thoughts right now as I write!  And when I sit and meditate I intend that like the sand, the lapping waves wash across my mind, and the waters of awareness gently smooth the thoughts that distract me from being in the present moment.

Yesterday my friend said he has started making soup for his evening meal.  This is a ritual I do every night, and one I learnt from my daughter when she was staying with me earlier this year.  Every night we would prepare together a simple and nourishing soup.  I have carried on the tradition since she left.  I find this meal not only satisfying but also an opportunity to be mindful as I prepare the vegetables and stock.

My friend remarked that he was inspired by this meal, and that he liked the frugality of it.  I began to think about the concept of frugality and what it really means.  I went onto the net to find out the definition of the word, frugal.  I found so many websites that are about frugality and living simply.  It’s become the latest “buzz”.  Frugality is all about being economical, avoiding waste, and living simply. 

It could well be that others like myself and my daughter are becoming increasingly aware of the proliferation of consumerism, and the exhaustive amounts of “stuff” that goes to the land refuse sites.

Perhaps you too have a daily ritual where, for example, you prepare a meal that calls you to be aware of the ingredients you use, and of the way you prepare those ingredients.  When you sit down to your meal you are conscious of the nourishment of the food, but at the same time the economical simplicity of what you have chosen to eat.  The experience of this is not only food for the body but also food for the soul.  There is something about simplicity whether defined in the concept of frugality or not.  It’s about feeding a part of ourselves that requires very little for inner peace and outward happiness.

Following on from last week and blog on friendship, I found this beautiful poem by Naomi Shibab Nye, called “Kindness”.  I just wanted to include it here, as you may be just as inspired by it as I am.

KINDNESS

Before you know what kindness really is,

you must lose things,

feel the future dissolve in a moment

like salt in a weakened broth.

What you counted and carefully saved,

all this must go so you know

how desolate the landscape can be

between the regions of kindness.

How you ride and ride

thinking the bus will never stop,

the passengers eating maize and chicken

will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,

you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho

lies dead by the side of the road.

You must see how this could be you,

how he was someone

who journeyed through the night with plans

and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,

you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.

You must wake up with sorrow.

You must speak to it till your voice

catches the thread of all sorrows

and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,

only kindness that ties your shoes and sends you out into

the day to mail letters and purchase bread,

only kindness that raises its head

from the crowd of the world to say

it is I you have been looking for,

and then goes with you everywhere

like a shadow or a friend.

From: Words Under the Words: Selected Poems by Naomi Shihab Nye

Last night a dear friend and I had dinner together.  He brought a gift for me.  I love receiving surprise gifts.  What about you?  When I opened the box there held between packing was a figurine.  This little sculpture is named, “Friendship” and is carved by an artist called, Susan Lordi.  There are no features on her face, and yet her tilted head, the flowers clasped in her tiny hands, and the way her body is held conveys a loving gesture, and an innocent delight in reaching out.  I find the carving very inspiring.  After my friend left I sat for a long time reflecting on what friendship means.

What makes a special friend?  A really good friend accepts you for who you are.  They don’t try to change you to fit in with their image of how you should, or shouldn’t be.   They somehow seem to accept your “faults” and “limitations,” often more than you may do yourself.  They’re really not so hard on you, as you may be on yourself.  And they’re also themselves in that they don’t try to change to be liked by you.  A good friend is respectful, honest, and loyal.  A cherished friend cares about you.  

Recently another dear friend of mine went out of his way to help me when my kitchen became flooded after a deluge of rain.  I can’t tell you how much I felt cared for and supported.  Not only that, he came back a few days later and did some more repair work just to make sure the leak had been fixed.  Now that’s a great friend to have. 

In these blogs I usually weave the writing around meditation in some way.  I was thinking that meditation offers a person friendship.  This is quite an abstract idea.  Let me explain.  Sitting in meditation I observe my thoughts and feelings as they arise.  I don’t judge them and I accept them as they are.  Over time I become less judgmental, softer on myself and not so given to punishing myself if I screw up.  Like a good friend meditation helps me to accept myself for who I am.  Like a good friend meditation leads me to becoming more open, honest and respectful.  Especially, I become more honest with myself.  I grow into a really deep friendship with myself.  Meditation like a good friend is kind and caring.  The more I keep in touch with meditation just like friendship it deepens.  Deepening the qualities of friendship within me I become a mirror to those who would wish to be my friends.

Do you ever just sit down and do absolutely nothing, no newspapers, TV, computer, chatting, or even thinking?  When I ask people this question a certain look of discomfort comes across their faces.  Our society is the keep busy society.  It’s sexy to be busy, but it can also take its toll on our physical and mental well-being.  Sometimes people get stressed about even doing their meditation practice.  If we are westerners our Judeo-Christian influences are all about productivity, and keeping away from “idle hands which make work for the devil.”  I was repeatedly told that line at school!   No wonder I felt so guilty if I wasn’t occupied doing something “meaningful”.

Anyway, here’s an opportunity to share with you to take some time and do absolutely NOTHING!   If guilt, shame or some other negative emotion comes up, welcome it and really sit with it.  You may be surprised that it will subside, and leave you feeling quite at ease with your deliberate stand on conscious idleness.  You may find the breath settling to a smooth, even rhythm that relaxes you in a way you’ve never been relaxed before.  You may find you begin to daydream and just let thoughts come and go.  You may find that after your doing absolutely nothing that you are inspired to create and participate more joyfully in life’s flow. 

For the past six weeks I have been doing an Interior Design course.  I was always shy about colour, and how to use or blend colours together.  This course inspired a child like delight in me to get lots of colour charts from the local paint shop and to look at combinations to see how they worked together, or not.  Perhaps you’re like me and love colours too.

All of us in the course commented on how sensitive to colour we’ve become.  By simply beginning to put our attention on colours, and their shades and hues, each one of us has become very aware of the impact colour has in our lives. 

I often get around to linking what I do back to meditation.  If you are a regular reader of these blogs, I hope that doesn’t become too tedious for you. 

If you have done the free Fragrant Heart course, “Learn to Meditate in Five Days” you will have used the one pointed focus of the breath.  It’s as simple as watching the breath, the inward and outward breath, how the breath changes, how it touches the nostrils and upper lip.  You may now find that like a sensitivity to colour, you will have become very sensitive to the breath.  Throughout your waking day as you look about you colour abounds in your world.  It’s never far from you at all.  So it is with the breath.  By being aware of the breath, not just in meditation but as you go about your day, you will find that the breath is changing all the time.  Your sensitivity to the breath will enable you to use it consciously when you become tense, overwhelmed, or agitated.  Like colour, the breath when breathed with awareness enriches and enlivens our lives.

If you have thought about a meditation practice but have quite a resistance, then consider that you could have some fears in starting.

What would be some common fears that would stop a person from meditating?

Here’s a list of the more common responses people make:

1. “I just don’t have enough time.  I’m already overloaded.”
2. “It seems like a really boring thing to do.”
3. “I keep on meaning to but I don’t seem to get around to doing it.”
4. “I began meditation years ago but somehow it wasn’t for me.”
5. “Others may think I’m really weird doing something like that.”
6. “I’ll become so laid back that I’ll lose all motivation to do things.”
7. “Meditation is for hippies and fringe dwellers.”
8. “I just don’t have any space in my noisy household.”
9. “There’s nothing wrong with me, why would I want to meditate?”
10. “I have my own religious convictions and meditation could interfere with my beliefs.”

Let’s face it meditation is not for everyone.  If you have come to the Fragrant Heart website, and maybe even reading this blog, then some part of you is reaching out to find out more about meditation.

Anything that is new, or is change brings about either a response or a reaction.  However, if you get a positive response to meditate then the simplest thing to do is begin regardless of time, place, space, or others attitudes toward you.  This is something you are doing for yourself, and you need to be clear about that.  Being aware of your fears is also a way of challenging them and carrying on.  The Fragrant Heart website offers many techniques, and simple ways to begin.  Use the website as an introduction, and a place to come back to from time to time.

When there’s a death in the family there is grieving for the loss of that person.  There can also be other aspects to that loss that carry on family dysfunctions.   The person who has passed away may not have resolved long-standing conflicts with members of the family.  These conflicts may have fuelled anger and resentment over many years.  What often happens is that others in the family will carry those toxic emotions for the deceased person.  As a result we witness throughout the world, family feuds that go on generation after generation, and in the extreme lead to war and bloodshed. 

There’s perversity in the human psyche to play the role of victim, that someone has injured us in some way.  Sometimes we are determined that they will never forget and “pay for it” in some way.  The mind will keep on churning over the same slight year after year.  A weak ego will have to justify why it has to defend itself to remain antagonistic toward the “wrong doer”. 

In Bruce Lipton’s ground breaking scientific research, he concluded that our beliefs become our biology.  For example, carrying around negative thoughts and emotions toward another, and getting others to collude with you over that person’s misdeeds will eventually create dis-ease in your body.  When you create enough toxic thoughts and emotions, you create a toxic body that will break down and become ill.

Is it possible to get over someone offending you in some way before you die?  I believe it is.  And the first step toward that is taking responsibility for our thoughts and actions.  If you believe you have been victimized, then you must delve into the role you have played in the drama.  If for example, you feel someone took something off you, then you must ask yourself how willing were you to share what you have?  How hoarding are you of what you consider belongs only to you?  How generous of spirit are you to those whom you believe dislike you?

If on the other hand you are the one being punished as the victimizer it is necessary to take responsibility for what you did that offended the other person, and then to take action to make amends.  When this happens between family members the whole family benefits from that healing.   Future generations will not have to carry that dis-eased burden.

If it’s not possible to heal a rift before the person passes away, then what to do?  In your prayers, contemplation, and meditation ask the person for forgiveness.  Healing takes place on all levels.  It’s also very important to acknowledge your part and your responsibility for what incurred.  By doing so you can take the next crucial step to forgiving yourself.  This is often very difficult to do.  However, once you have let go your own justifications and self-punishments then move on.  Know that you made a mistake and you learnt something from it.  What would you have learnt?  That you are human, that you will fall down time and time again, but can get up and face yourself with the same love and compassion that you would probably so easily give to someone else in pain.

Bibliography:  “The Biology of Belief” by Bruce Lipton