Fragrant Heart Blog

Many people project outwardly a very positive countenance.  They don’t voice negative thoughts when talking with others.  This is a good start. However, it would be very rare for just about anybody to have a constantly positive inner dialogue. 

Just by observing how the mind keeps on producing thoughts in meditation, I believe it becomes possible over time to be very conscious of the validity, or not of our thoughts.  As this happens there is more discrimination in the sorts of thoughts being voiced.  Awareness of our thoughts over time brings about a more positive outlook.  As this happens we let go of inner doubts and self-deprecation.  As we free ourselves from inner negative self talk we become compassionate not only to ourselves but to those with whom we interact.

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I met a person who had tried yoga and walked out half way through the class.  She also tried meditation and found she “didn’t need it.”  I visited her home and while she constantly complained about her situation the local radio station blared out ads and music.  For this person there is not a moment in the day that is not being filled up in some way.  Not that I’m saying that yoga and meditation are for everyone, or that you don’t need to plan or organize your day.  What I witnessed was a person who was very stressed, anxious and fearful, but not willing to persevere to do anything about her unhappy state. 

This person may have found that anything that required a quietening or stilling of her body and mind to be a very frightening thing to do.  She may have had good intentions to start but then discovered she became even more agitated as the yoga or meditation sessions continued.  When this happens we so often dismiss meditative practices as useless, unnecessary, or a waste of time. 

I remember my first ten-day retreat.  I had left my young daughter in the care of a trusted friend of whom she was very fond.  During days one and two of the meditation course all I could think about every time I sat to meditate was how my daughter needed me and I had to go home.  I to marvelled at how I even started to catastrophise that the house was burning down!  This came after I had a thunderbolt understanding of just how agitated my mind was.  I was so used to this state of agitation that just sitting still meditating was excruciatingly unpleasant.  That’s how I judged it, and it’s often at that point that people give up.  Well, I did hang in, and certainly after the third day my body and mind quietened.  I knew beyond all doubt that meditation was going to be the foundation of my daily life.

Helpful Hints When You Feel Agitated in Meditation Practice.

Here are some useful tips that may help you if you find yourself not the least bit calm and peaceful in your meditation practice.

1. Make sure your posture is comfortable, and loosen any tight clothing.
2. Accept whatever is arising.
3. Know that this too will pass.
4. Have deep compassion for yourself.  Don’t berate yourself, or think that you are not doing meditation properly.
5. Keep on gently coming back to your one pointed focus.
6. If you start to feel overwhelmed, locate the strongest sensations in your body and breathe in and out of them.
7. After your meditation let go of analysing and judging what happened, or not.
8. Come back to your next meditation letting go of all preconceived ideas of how it should or shouldn’t be.

Do you have a book that is a well-thumbed, well-worn favourite, a book that you pick up from time to time that inspires and delights you?

One of my favourite books is a collection of Rumi’s poems, translated by Coleman Barks with John Moyne.  Rumi was a mystic who lived in the 13^th Century in the country now called Afghanistan.

Often I will pick up the book and just open at any page.  What is so applicable for something happening in my life is phrased in the poetic words and images on that page.

At the beginning of a chapter in the book there is a profound story called, “On the Unseen”.  It’s about meditation, and I would like to type it out for you, and you may enjoy reading it.  It may help you to appreciate your own unique journey in meditation.

“Ibn Khafif Shirazi tells this story: “I heard that there were two great masters in Egypt, so I hurried to reach their presence.  When I arrived, I saw two magnificent teachers meditating.  I greeted them three times but they did not answer.  I meditated with them for four days.  Each day I begged them to talk with me, since I had come such a long way.  Finally the younger one opened his eyes.  ‘Ibn Khafif, life is short.  Use the portion that’s left to deepen yourself.  Don’t waste time greeting people!’  I asked him to give me some advice.  ‘Stay in the presence of those who remind your of your lord, who not only speak wisdom, but are that.’  Then he went back into meditation.”  Ibn Khafif was being taught the importance of having his own experience of the unseen, and not to fret so much about the forms of greeting people, hearing wisdom, and about what we should be doing.”

I receive a lot of emails from dedicated meditators all over the world who come across our Fragrant Heart website.  I notice that each one of them as they write feels really good about what they are doing in their meditation practice.  Some are beginners and find the site helpful.  Each person shares an enthusiasm for meditation, and how it is changing their life in positive ways.

If you are reading this blog and wondering about getting started in a meditation practice here are some suggestions.

Write down all the ways you believe that meditation would be of benefit to you.  Now be really honest with yourself and ask yourself what stops you from meditating.  Then ask yourself if you get a response to meditate despite all the reasons not to.  If you do, then focus on the benefits you have written down.  Begin a meditation practice and each day read over your list of benefits.  These become your ongoing positive thoughts that make sense, and make you feel good about yourself, and your practice. 

How seriously do you take your thoughts?  I notice that when I am meditating thoughts are passing on through some of the time.  Well, yes some thoughts can tend to hang about for a while.  Sometimes thought after thought arises and I am observing them but not giving them any extra energy like consciously connecting another thought to the previous one.  In meditation I see how clearly the job of the mind is to just keep on creating thought, after thought, after thought.  It’s no wonder that by the end of the day most of us have had about 60,000 thoughts pass through our minds.  And do you know that the repetition of those thoughts day after day are creating your future?  It can be scary to realize that if a lot of those thoughts are focused on negative aspects of ourselves then we begin to create the very experiences to reinforce what we think.  Have you ever had a relationship with someone that broke up and you then went on to the next relationship only to find the same patterns playing out yet again?  Why did that happen?  Your thoughts about yourself created the same dynamics that played out albeit with a new player. 

Meditation helps me to lighten up, and not take my thoughts so seriously.

People who share their life experiences often offer others new ways of looking at the world from a different perspective.  They may also ignite inspiration and a desire to change.  All great teachers have done this for humanity over the ages. 

Recently I borrowed a book from the local library called, “Moving Forward” by Dave Pelzer.  I had never heard of Dave Pelzer before but after reading the book I learnt that he had written a best seller by the title, ‘A Child Called “It”’.  I discovered a person who had survived extreme childhood abuse, and has gone on to help and educate others in living meaningful and loving lives. 

Here is a paragraph from his book that encourages self awareness. 

“Try this: From this moment on, I want you to be conscious of your walk, your body language, the tone of your voice, what you say for the world to hear, and, most importantly, what you say that only you and God know.  Be self-aware, and while doing so keep with you an ounce of faith.  Be consistent and give it a little time, and then watch your world unfold.”

As I read these words I was reminded of bringing mindfulness into every day life.  Living as Dave Pelzer encourages can be done through a daily meditation practice.  Thank you Dave Pelzer, for your inspiring words.

Have you ever had a bunch of thoughts woven into a problem or worry that never seems to go away?  In fact you just don’t get a moment’s peace and quiet from the relentlessness of your obsessive thoughts.  They cloud everything you do.  They even affect you physically so that you may lose your appetite, or overeat, become sleepless, confused, even irritable and reactive.

You may find that in your meditation practice you become so agitated that you end up even more distressed than when you started.

First of all accept what is happening.  Condemning and berating yourself about the situation won’t help.  It just makes things worse.

Here’s a suggestion that may benefit you when you find you are just too distracted to sit and meditate.

Grab some paper and a pen and write non-stop for five to ten minutes.  Write continuously about your obsessing thoughts.  Write out all your worries, angers, perceived predicaments, anxieties, perceived losses, and frustrations.  When you can’t think of something to write, write that down as well.  You will usually find that another set of thoughts will be triggered so get those down on paper too.  Every thought that pops into your mind write it down.  Put all your focus and concentration into writing everything that is keeping you in this state of obsessing.  At the end of five to ten minutes (set a timer for yourself), stop and go about your day.  When the old worry or problem arises tell it you have already given it enough attention for the moment, take a deep breath, and change the thoughts to something positive.  You could also put aside two periods of time each day to do this.  Eventually you will be able to empty out the problematic thoughts and resume your meditation practice with greater equanimity.

What does loss feel like for you?  Here are some reflections that I have gathered over the years.

“Loss to me feels like a part of me is missing.  Loss feels like I have no one to turn to who will understand and comfort me.  Loss is like a deep hole inside me where I cry to be able to reach out to be held and soothed.  It feels like the only one who would take me in their arms and resonate with the longing and loving in me has gone forever.  Loss feels like I am cast adrift in the ocean with no one by my side to reassure me and tell me that it’s going to be all right.  Loss feels like I am so alone with nobody to turn to for warmth and comfort, no one to join with me in laughter and play, or in sadness and sorrow.  Loss feels like I’m a child again who needs the love she could never get from her parents. Loss feels like each day is dulled, and the ache that something pure and true has bee taken away from me.  Loss feels like a separation and cutting off of familiarity, knowing and being known by someone else.  Loss feels like I’m all alone in the world again, and I’m afraid that I will not survive by myself.”

Loss is felt as something real.  It creates physiological changes within the body.  These changes distress the body and can lead to illness and disease.  Separation and loss can manifest as despair and depression. 

Loss is a common human condition.  It is one we have all experienced in some way.  Grieving for a loss is a natural part of the process of healing.  It takes time.

If you have experienced loss in your life I encourage you to reach out for help.  It may be a friend who can support you, a counsellor, or someone else you trust.

Acknowledge that it is okay to feel sad, lonely, empty, angry or whatever emotion comes up for you.  Nurture yourself as much as you can. 

Use the Fragrant Heart website for the free relaxation and breathing exercises that will help you when you are feeling overwhelmed, or just plain miserable.  I would also urge you to meditate.  Over time this will create a solid foundation for you that will give you ongoing inner peace stillness and physical and emotional well-being.

These are just some brief suggestions.  I hope they will help you.

I have been reading about attachment in young infants.  All evidence shows that babies whose mothers pay attention to their cues grow into secure children and adults.  These mothers know when to pick up their little ones, when to feed them, when to give them space, and when to attend to their other needs.  The mothers do this through a now recognized physiological process whereby a part of the brain, known as the limbic brain, is attuned to emotional cues between mother and infant.  These mothers are consistently attentive, tender, and responsive to their babies. 

Mothers who are cold and distant with their offspring rear children who shun togetherness, who are mean to others, and who are difficult to reach.  Children, whose mothers are erratic, anxious, and distracted, become timid, lacking in confidence and desperate for attention from others. 

These varying forms of emotional nurturing, or lack there of leads to adults who will forge secure, or insecure attachments in their relationships.

What struck me about the secure children is that their mothers are consistently attentive, tender, and responsive to their needs. 

As I read this study I began to see how if we adopt the approach of the secure mother our meditation practice would deepen and create for us the foundation that enables us to be secure, and to be present and mindful in each and every moment.  Just like the secure mothers a meditation practice teaches us to be attentive.  It teaches us to be responsive, and it enables us to be tender toward ourselves to whatever arises. 

The book from which this study is further explained is called, “A General Theory of Love”.  It’s written by Thomas Lewis, M.D., Fari Amini, M.D., and Richard Lannon, M.D.  I thoroughly recommend the book.

When you experience inner peace through your meditation practice it will show in you as you move through your day.  You will not be so agitated or irritable by what others do, or don’t do.  You will smile and laugh quite spontaneously for no other reason that just the sheer joy of being alive.  When people around you are angry and disturbed you will have a soothing effect on them.  With inner peace comes an open and loving heart.  Others will be inspired by your presence.  You will pass strangers in the street and they too will receive the emanation of inner peace from you.  Inner peace gives you focus and concentration so that your mind is still and yet decisive.  You won’t feel pressured to multi-task, as you will be effective in each moment with what you are doing.  There will be a glow and radiance about you that makes you beautiful to behold.